Shame, Contempt and Politics

Shame, Contempt and Politics

On a recent trip to Canada, my wife and I were struck by how many Canadians asked us, “What in the world is going on with your election?” I really didn’t know how to answer.

Since returning home, I have become obsessed with the election. I spend hours each day reading the news. Each time I hope it will somehow calm my extraordinary anxiety, but each time I find myself becoming more anxious. I try to quit cold turkey, but I soon find myself back on my computer, reading the news once again. I am reminded of people who can't turn away from a terrible accident. But this accident feels like it involves me directly.

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Can Imagination Heal Shame?

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Can Imagination Heal Shame?

Once I was working with a woman who was feeling very lost in her life. She wasn’t sure if she even wanted to start a new job or a new relationship. I asked her what her picture was when she imagined getting a new job, and all she could picture was what happened in her last job: her co-worker and even her supervisor putting her down. I asked her what picture she imagined when she thought about a new relationship and she couldn’t even imagine that; she just kept saying over and over, “The last one wasn’t very good, so there must be something wrong with me.”

How Naming What’s Happening Can Help Your Relationship

How Naming What’s Happening Can Help Your Relationship

Often I notice that in the back and forth of the day to day, we can lose ourselves in one thing after another. Sometimes when we can put a name on to something that’s happening and pause, it can allow us to stop and be in the moment in a more embodied way.

Let me give you a few examples. A couple from my practice told me how one day in the middle of their usual argument about who was going to pick up their daughter, who was going to buy the groceries, etc., instead of escalating the argument, the fellow said to his wife, “I want to thank you for choosing me so long ago.”

Is Your Cell Phone Getting in the Way of Your Relationship?

Is Your Cell Phone Getting in the Way of Your Relationship?

I had a client a few years ago who called me very upset because his wife had thrown his cell phone out the window.

You might be surprised, but attachment injuries can be caused by an electronic device!

Nowadays, many kids as well as adults are texting or even talking on their cell phones during dinner, if they even eat dinner together. Often spouses are texting or talking on their phones while they’re trying to have a conversation with each other. There is something almost unnoticed that can happen when one person turns away from their partner or child—and toward the electronic device.

Pendulation

Pendulation

Pendulation describes the back and forth motion of a pendulum—forward and back or up and down. In the same way, humans are constantly changing mood and perspective. We're happy, then we're sad, then we're happy again. We are intensely working on something, then a thought comes: “What's for dinner?” At moments, we can be completely absorbed in something, “in the zone.” But eventually, we change. The picture shifts, our mood changes.

Working with Sexual Shame in Couples Therapy

Working with Sexual Shame in Couples Therapy

In the past few years, several men have contacted me after discovering their wife was having an online affair. And several women have contacted me after discovering their husband was engaged in online porn or trying to get together with other women through social media or dating websites. Each of these couples was shocked and shaken because they never thought their partner would do something like that. And even the partners told me that they never thought they would ever do something like that.

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Unmasking Shame – The Phantom of the Opera

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Unmasking Shame – The Phantom of the Opera

While on a walk, after watching the movie version of “Phantom of the Opera,” I was surprised to hear a friend comment that something in the drama was upsetting to him. The facial wounding of the phantom seemed too small to warrant the level of reaction of violence; even wounds from his childhood wouldn’t have had to have resulted in such an extreme reaction. He told me about someone he’d met who had wounds from a fire, much more distressing and dramatic—and more believable.